Ladies, Stop Being Taken Advantage of!
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Last calendar week, I wrote a post about being the female breadwinner. In that post, I delved into some of the emotions regarding breadstuff winning that most likely stem from societal expectations. Today, I'thou also going to talk about making more than than your partner, simply I'm going to look at a very specific potential downside. Although information technology sucks, the reality is that some women who brand more than their partners can get taken reward of. And I know because I was 1 of them. So at present, I'm working on preventing myself from being taken advantage of as a female person breadwinner.
Being Taken Reward of as a Female Breadwinner
It's then easy to fall into the trap. It starts because you merely want to assist someone. Or you want to go someplace exciting that they can't afford, so you offer to pay. But it turns into y'all paying for everything, all the time. It turns into you paying all the bills while they blow coin on stupid stuff. You end up ownership them everything that they need while also doing the majority of the housework and emotional labor. Instead of just beingness the breadwinner, you are now the sole provider, maid, cook, and household manager. You never actually signed up for all that; information technology merely sort of happened.
I know this isn't just a women'south issue. Anybody tin can be taken reward of in a relationship. But in that location are unique issues that affect women, making it a fleck easier for the female breadwinners to get sucked into this trap.
Why Do I Let Myself To Be Taken Advantage of?
Feeling Shame/Guilt
I wrote a lot virtually feeling shame over what your partner does in my previous mail service – but for me, at least, those feelings of shame can atomic number 82 to being taken advantage of as the female breadwinner. It's super weird, I know, only hear me out.
I experience guilty because I am capable of doing these things that my partner just tin can't do. I don't desire to exclude him, and I don't want the shame of telling my friends that he can't come to whatever outcome because he can't afford it.
While in a really bad previous relationship, I discussed these feelings with a therapist. I expressed how uncomfortable I felt doing something as simple every bit ordering take-out. I didn't want to pay for him (because I paid for freaking everything!), but I felt bad about bringing food home for merely myself. My philosophy has e'er been that you should take care of each other if yous are in a relationship. And the actually crazy thing is that I felt guilty not taking care of him even though he didn't accept care of me. I fabricated more money; I should exist doing those things, right? I've since learned that no, that is not right at all.
One of my biggest bug is that I was overcompensating. I would try fashion as well difficult to ensure that whoever I was dating didn't feel bad almost their lack of income. But thankfully, I've realized that isn't my problem. And they should have care of me in other means if they can't financially. Relationships should be give and have on both sides, not merely give on ane side and take on the other.
The Caring Nurturer
Another upshot that tends to affect women more and pb them to getting taken advantage of is that gild often sees us as the caring nurturer. I can't speak for all women, just for my experiences, but my caring nature has led me to make some really terrible decisions. Considering I care so much about people, especially someone I'g in a relationship with, I'll do anything I tin can to brand them feel special and loved. I'll become to a higher place and beyond to brand sure their needs are taken care of. I want to do those things for the person I love. But, it becomes a problem when they come to look it and decline to do similar things to evidence their honey and appreciation for me. In fact, it can even become abusive when one side is giving everything, and the other side is only taking.
I accept a weird need to take care of people (and yes, I know this borders on codependency – but that'due south a post for another day!). I want them to take intendance of me dorsum, only unfortunately, I have chosen partners incapable of doing so.
How Exercise I Terminate Being Taken Advantage of?
Choosing Your Partner
And what a swell segue into one of the nigh important things yous can practice to prevent yourself from beingness taken advantage of as the female breadwinner! Clearly, I don't have much feel with picking the right partner, but I do have tons of experience picking the wrong one. They say honey is bullheaded, only man, exercise I really need to starting time paying attention to waving cherry-red flags.
Scarlet Flags that Someone Would Have Advantage
Not that I won't ignore them in the hereafter, but later on a lot of reflection about my last few relationships, I've come to understand what some of the red flags were that were waving correct in forepart of my face. Here are some things to pay attending to:
- Addiction
- Lack of household items
- Serial Unemployment
- Blaming Others
- Also Agreeable
- Too Invested as well Early on
- Expecting you to Pay
- Emotional Abuse
Addiction
I know it seems like mutual sense, but it's not. Addicts are great at lying about their behavior, at least in the short term. And if you've never had experience with addicts before, it'south difficult to see the signs. At what betoken does him having a six-pack every night turn into a trouble? Watching someone, you dearest fall deeper and deeper into habit is a horrible experience. My advice is to watch for the signsand exit early if y'all see them.
Lack of Household Items
This is a red flag that you are dating someone who needs to grow upward. Unfortunately, I but recently realized this. When I showtime started dating my most recent ex, I'd have to bring toilet paper with me when I went to his place considering he couldn't be bothered to get it. I idea it was funny at the time. Now I realize that he couldn't even really accept intendance of himself similar an adult, so how could I look him to intendance for me in the adult ways that I'd need? The answer is that he couldn't. A xxx-something-year-old homo who can't exist bothered to buy himself basic household necessities is a giant waving red flag of someone who is looking to have advantage of others.
Serial Unemployment
My problem with this one is that I but believe the best in people. Naïve, I know. If someone tells me that they are out of work because they just savage on difficult times, I tend to believe them. I don't concord anyone'south job (or lack thereof!) against them. But I have learned that people who tend to be serially unemployed tend to exist the biggest users. They don't want to work; they desire to find someone to take care of them. Perhaps this is mutual sense to most people, only you lot may want to avoid dating them if they are constantly out of work.
Blaming Others
Another huge thing to look for is whether your potential partner tin acknowledge fault. Did he lose his job because at that place was a layoff and he didn't have the feel to stay or did he lose his job because Jan from accounting talked badly about him to the dominate? Does he blame his parents for his behavior, or does he hold himself accountable? People who want to play the victim nearly everything and decline to have responsibility for anything that happens in their life are not prepare to grow upward and have an developed relationship. They desire to be taken care of and volition blame you (or gaslight y'all!) when you don't do what they want.
Too Amusing
You'd think that agreeableness is a quality that you'd want in a partner, right? Merely y'all take to exist careful with that. If someone is only agreeing to everything that you are saying, are they really listening? Or are they just saying what they think yous desire to hear? A practiced mode to tell is to pay attention to their actions rather than their words. Someone who is just telling y'all what you lot want to hear won't follow through. They will disappoint you repeatedly while promising that they care and practise ameliorate next time. Don't fall for it. Watch for the early on signs of a smooth talker – they will agree with everything, only they won't follow through with anything.
All in Too Before long
There's a common tactic among manipulative people known as Dear Bombing. They will tell yous how astonishing you are, how they've never met anyone similar you, and how you lot must be their soulmate inside the first few weeks of dating. For most people, that sounds like a giant red flag. Only for some of us Disney Princess wannabes, meeting someone who you instantly connect with on that level is a dream come true.
Unfortunately, more probable than not, it's just a fairy tale. It isn't real. Y'all can't know someone well plenty after a few weeks to know that you want to be with them forever (ok, I know that it works out that way sometimes, but in general, it's safer to exist skeptical). I'm a hopeless romantic at eye, though, so I always struggle with this. It is possible (yet unlikely) that next time it will be real!
Expecting you to Pay
It's 1 thing if you offer to pay. But when information technology gets to the point that he doesn't even make an effort anymore, he might be taking advantage of you. Conspicuously, this doesn't employ if yous are in a long-term relationship and have had discussions of who pays for what. But if yous just started dating someone who expects you lot to pay all the time, y'all may want to re-evaluate.
Emotional Abuse
Another clear sign that your partner is taking advantage of you is that they are emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, equally women, nosotros are never actually taught what emotional abuse is. Instead, nosotros're taught that we have to take care of everyone, be nice, do everything around the house, and be thankful that we even defenseless a man, regardless of how he treats us.
This culture has pb to a rampant amount of emotional abuse, and the worst thing is that most women don't fifty-fifty recognize the behavior as abusive. I was one of those women. I was in an emotionally abusive human relationship for over five years, and it merely kept getting worse and worse. The thing is, I didn't recognize the beliefs as abusive. We aren't taught those things.
So, to help other women who might be in similar situations, I wrote a mini-ebook outlining some of the signs of emotional corruption, using stories from my life. Information technology was tough to write, but if my case tin can help anyone else avoid corruption, information technology was worthwhile to write.
Other Ways to non Become Taken Advantage of equally a Female Breadwinner
Choosing the right partner is paramount to non getting taken advantage of . It's not the simply thing you can do, though. Y'all can also use discretion when disclosing your salary, accept things slowly, set clear boundaries, and protect yourself.
Disclosing Your Salary
I've made the mistake of telling guys how much I brand fashion too early in the relationship. I tend to be overly honest about everything. Fortunately, I've since learned that oversharing probably isn't the answer. When an young person, or someone prone to using, learns how much you brand, they showtime trying to find means for information technology to benefit them. Information technology might be something simple, similar asking yous to infringe a few bucks that they have no intention of paying back, or it might exist something more expensive, like a weekend get-a-way that they expect you to pay for. In their minds, y'all make more than plenty money to cover it, and so it's all ok.
I've learned not to disembalm my bacon to anyone unless nosotros are at the bespeak of combining finances. The "what's mine is yours" mentality simply works when both people are on board.
Have It Slow
Fools rush in, as they say. And I'm not going to lie; I've been incredibly foolish in my life. I guess that's the hopeless romantic in me. But, it's merely every bit of import for you to have things slowly in a new relationship as it is for the guy to non exist all in besides shortly. It takes a long time for the rose-colored glasses to habiliment off, and you desire to be sure that you are even so independent when they practice. When you are wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags but expect like normal flags.
Set up Boundaries
So many of united states have issues with setting and enforcing boundaries. But it'southward important to preclude yourself from getting taken reward of, peculiarly every bit a female breadwinner. Brand it clear from the showtime that it is non your job to take intendance of anyone just yourself. Don't feel obligated to buy him things that he can't purchase himself, and don't permit him make you feel guilty over it. Ensure that the relationship is moving at a pace that you are comfortable with. The boundaries that y'all set up need to be what is comfortable for you.
Protect Yourself
Sometimes information technology takes a long fourth dimension for a manipulator to show their truthful colors (or for us to notice them!). 1 of the about important things you lot can do to not get taken reward of as a female breadwinner is to protect yourself. That means to keep all of your accounts separate – and if at one signal you lot decide to have joint finances, proceed at to the lowest degree one account in your name alone. Information technology's always smart to have a safety net.
Also, unless yous are married, don't cosign for anything. It took me way too long to larn that lesson, unfortunately. A final thing you tin can practise is request a prenuptial agreement prior to union. I know that information technology's an incredibly sensitive topic, but I call up that if there is a big financial disparity on either side, a prenup is a skillful idea.
How Exercise You lot Tell if a Guy Is Taking Reward of Y'all?
The last thing that we demand to address is how to identify that yous're getting taken advantage of. First of all, did this post resonate with y'all? You're probably getting taken advantage of. Some other signs that you might be taken reward of are that your boundaries aren't being respected and that your partnership is incredibly diff.
Boundaries Aren't Being Respected
A giant waving red flag that you are existence taken reward of is when your boundaries get disrespected. A solid partner should respect your boundaries and work to ensure that you feel condom and secure in your relationship. A user will button at those boundaries and do everything they tin can to become you to ease upwards then they tin push the line further and further back.
A bang-up instance of this is spending coin. I'1000 more happy to help out with bones living expenses, but my expectation is that a partner pays for his needs earlier his wants. My ex would spend his coin on video games and then non be able to afford his bills. Of grade, at that place was always a sob story behind it. His work cut his hours unexpectedly, or he got paid after than expected. I stupidly accustomed these excuses, and eventually, it became normal for him to buy games while I paid his bills.
Unequal Partnership
They say that relationships should be 50/l, but it's fair to say that it will never be fifty/50 at whatsoever given time. We all have ups and downs. In a good partnership, in that location volition be times where you requite 100% and times where y'all requite 0. That's life – you carry each other when needed. Just when you're being taken reward of, it will experience like you are constantly giving 90-100% while never getting anything in return (hint: because that's what'due south actually happening!).
If you lot are constantly giving and giving and giving without getting taken care of in return, you are probably existence taken advantage of.
What Practise Y'all Do When Your Boyfriend Takes Advantage of Y'all?
And so what should you exercise, right at present, if you're in a relationship where y'all're beingness taken advantage of? The kickoff step is to meet a counselor. If y'all think the relationship tin be salvaged, bring him with you lot and do couples therapy. Maybe he will come across that his beliefs was actually detrimental.
Sometimes though, they don't want to modify. They chose you because they knew you would be an easy target. In cases like this, it'south best to get out. I know it'south not as easy as just leaving, so check out this post about how to make a program to escape. Your safety is the top priority.
Share Your Stories!
Take you ever felt taken advantage of as a female breadwinner? I would love to hear your stories about why yous felt that way and how you stock-still it.
Originally Published July 7, 2019, Updated June 24, 2020
Source: https://partnersinfire.com/lifestyle/how-to-avoid-getting-taken-advantage-of-as-a-female-breadwinner/
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